Kareoke will never be a sober sport
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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