a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
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