Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
