Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
