The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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