do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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