I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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