Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Randomize
