All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I need moral support for this bender
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
