Pregnant stripper...not hot.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
