I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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