We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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