Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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