Swine flu. Run for my life!
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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