my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
