The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
