Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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