We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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