I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I need to calm my uterus...
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
