Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
