i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
We got so high we made milksteak
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
