Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
