im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I think my nap took me to another dimension
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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