Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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