The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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