Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
