So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Randomize