I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
