I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
