you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
