so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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