just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
