I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
