Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
