Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
