either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
