I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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