it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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