Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I want to be your penis for a week.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
