You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
