Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
