I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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