Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
