it was like a zeppelin in a condom
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
