Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
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You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
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I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
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