Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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