I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
MIDGETS
????
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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