I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
