You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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