look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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