I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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