I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
