Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
