I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
