I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
